3am Thoughts on Faith and Life (LONG post, sorry!)

Growing up, I was taught this ideal version of life, a vision of parents raising up their children as shining pillars of studious righteousness and light. As these children are sent out into the world, like a quiver of arrows shot from a bow, they make this huge impact and amaze everyone they meet. Hearts are captured for Christ, and the darkness and sin are rendered powerless and weak against these superhuman warriors of light. They can quote Scripture, whole books of the bible even! (If they are especially disciplined!) They are graceful, obedient, elegant, alluring, submissive women, and strong, protective, pure, hardworking sucessful men. They both equally are able to conquer any and every challenge that is put in their way.

Because of these traits and their virtuous character, the Lord blesses them, and life is prosperous. In all they do, they succeed...

But what I have come to realize, and what my thoughts here, are this:

The real world is waaaay different from that.

I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just obey the Lord and become the instant picture of perfection that I imagined I could as a young teenager. I wish I could make the impact for Christ that I was promised to make if I just obeyed, learned all the things, and did all the stuff.

But... the world is a dark and evil place. People don't care about you or faith. There's no amount of convincing them to take the things of God seriously either... they love their darkness and vileness and corruption. They cling to it and draw their every breath from this rottenness and selfishness.

(I've experienced it in my own heart. It's to a hugely lesser degree now that I'm saved, but my flesh is still alive and well until I go to be with the Lord and am free of it...)

Gaining some real-world experience outside of sheltered, homeschooled, conservative Christianity, I see just how dark and hopeless things really are. I was not prepared for the gut-wrenching, horror inducing things I've heard about, seen, experienced and been told stories about by other friends/relatives. The real world is not what I thought. It is infinitely worse.

So why were things so idealized? Why were we taught such an unrealistic view of the world and the people living in it?

As far as I've come to know, we are generally powerless against the evil and corruption of this world on our own. Why were we led to think that we were going to be sent out to take it by storm because of our virtuous character?

I know NOW that a lot of men who wrote curriculums/teachings like Vision Forum, IBLP, the quiverful movement, etc were quite hypocritical and even corrupt, abusive and cult-like... but as children we had no way of knowing how harmful these ideas were to us. We were being obedient, studious and hardworking, just as we were taught to do. We were sucessful and loved for this... and the thing is... they did use a lot of Scripture and biblical truths to support their brand of Christianity... so who would have known the real danger? Our parents didnt realize it. They had all good intentions!

Because the American church is hugely lacking in good teaching as a baseline (not withstanding the task of wading out these guys and their half biblical truths stretched just enough out of context) these wolves in sheep clothing can be really confusing and hurtful to unsuspecting believers. Many, like in my parent's case, are first generation Christian, new to the faith and very prone to confusion and being led astray. Many others can fall because they haven't grown deeply in their knowledge of biblical principles in order to be discerning and wise enough to see the errors...

I've come to realize though that I am hugely grieved for my former idealism... life is not at all how I pictured it. As I said before, it is infinitely worse than I ever thought possible. I am hugely disillusioned, disappointed, disgusted, discouraged and altogether depressed the more I discover the harsh reality of the world and the sin that has corrupted it.

How do we impactfully share our faith? How can we truly accomplish the task the God has called us to do? 

Everything I thought I should do seems to be all backwards... Our faith is offputting and turns people away from the Lord instead of drawing them towards Him in humble despiration and awe of His grace and mercy, like it should.

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing more harm to God's kingdom than I'm doing good (through obedience via things like evangelism, living a boldly different life, loving people and slowly trying to win them over as they open up...)

The thing is they see through what we are trying to do... and simply because of that they shut down and deny any openness they had in their heart. If you have an agenda they want nothing to do with that... and we can't simply "love" them and accept their sinful lifestyles unquestionably either.

I do know this: God has real answers...the Bible gives us real hope... and the Holy Spirit gives us real power to experience real strength and true and lasting change in our lives... but how do we get people to see that? If we live quiet, silent lives, minding our own business-looking just like them they are content to leave well enough alone... and if we are astronomically different then it's offputting and offending which is also just as equally ineffective. We must be bold but gentle and innocent yet wise. Somehow these come into a perfect balance, I just cannot see it yet. 🤦‍♀️

At the end of the day I know that every person must answer to God for who they are, what they've done and who they've put their trust in for the result of their eternal destiny... but we are unquestionably called to evangelize and share the Good News (AKA the Gospel) as well!

My heart just wants more people to be affected by Jesus Christ and the love, hope and power which only He can bring.

Yet somehow everytime I try to share that faith which I hold near and dear to my heart something gets convoluted or misunderstood and the message gets lost entirely, with the person in question becoming even more hardened and set in their ways against the Lord.

EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Not once has it worked out. It has always caused increasing hostility and resentfulness towards me and / or my Lord.

It has never ever been my intention to belittle, shame, isolate, or look down on anyone, and sadly it seems like what we Christians view as sharing hope and love and good news, to the world actually looks like weakness, selfishness, self righteousness, judgment or even prude-ishness. They just don't see it the way we do.

Of course we know that in these last days we will face increasing hostility and pursecution towards the church, particularly the true church‐ being those who are actually living radically biblical, obedient, eternity minded lives... but where do you draw the line between true persecution and needless turning people away due to inneffective or unwise wittnesssing strategies?

I know legalism and legalistic, patriarchy focused Christianity is not true Christianity. It's hugely missing the point. 

I also know that a primarily grace and love focused, easy believe-ism type of faith with no mention of sin, truth or accountability is also missing the point. We can't just love people they way they are. The way they are is lost in sin and headed to an eternity of pain and separation from their good and loving creator who wants to save them from the destruction they've earned for themselves.

 They need the truth and they need to come to love God more than they love their sin - so they will chose Him instead.

There is no easy answer and in our flesh it is far too easy to jump to extremes and make black and white assertations and methods out of something the Bible leaves gray.

Evangelism is essential. Loving lost people is essential. Obeying biblical truth and understanding doctrinal principles are also both essential. And getting these in the right balance without veering outside of what is really biblical, for God's glory is most essential of all...

I could be overthinking this whole thing, I could just be about to mature in some area and am mulling through my experiences to gain some insight. I don't know...

I just hope to become a more faithful and more effective wittness for Christ. There is so much growing I have yet to do. There is so much I don't know, so much wisdom I lack.

I'm not the person I know I should be for the Lord. I strive and try, day after day battling against the world, my flesh and the devil... not always winning, but always seeking to get back up and become better at battling. It's just crazy how different this life really is compared to what I picked up on & thought it would be as a young believer.

God is faithful and will continue the work that HE started in me, and every other believer, until the day of each of our faith's completion.

I know, ultimately, that our work is not in vein. I do however question just how thoroughly and seriously we each may or may not take this task which God has put before us.

We must become more wise and faithful if we are to run the race set before us, having the necessary endurance and laying aside every weight and thing that could entangle us, running for the goal of the upward call of Christ Jesus. (Hebrews 12:1-3 and Philippians 3:14)

I guess that's all I have to write and reflect on for now.

I'm so thankful for God and his mercy in allowing us to experience the power to change and grow to be more like Him! I also know that I have a lot of growing yet to do. So does the American church as a whole... but it starts in our own hearts first. ❤️